To continue my motif of confessions, I am extremely active in the kink community in New York City. I been part of the kink lifestyle for six years now; however, just joined the local community last September.
Previously to joining the scene I was in a long-term M/s relationship and intimacy was our mutual feeding ground. We trusted each other, loved each other, and exhibited it in our kink. I trusted him to create a slavery that was beneficial to him and not self-destructive to me. I gave him my vulnerability in hope that he can create something beautiful with it.
The physical kinks that we dabbled in was nothing to really brag about; however, the psychological paths that he pushed me on were definitely something I’m proud of undertaking.
As a slave I pushed my timid self to an uncharacteristic level of openness. I pushed my character to develop in order to benefit the relationship and my Master. I gave my body to someone else, I maintained it but it was his to dress, restrict, indulge. I had to give up my boundaries. His protocols recreated my daily schedule and lifestyle to center around my slavery.
But, after I left that relationship and really plunged myself into the NYC scene my play shifted to become more on the physical side and less on the interpersonal and intimate side. Intimacy has been accidental. Endorphins have been the goal. My experiences and observations have shown that the scene is filled with casual play and casual fucks. It has not been a vessel for intimacy.
Last April at a play party I realized how absurd this is. I was being beaten. Hard. With hands mostly but occasionally a cane. My body was handling the endorphins strangely, for me, I started crying, which I never really do. I didn’t really know why. I mean, I was battered, but I knew I could take more. But, I have discussed and listened to enough conversations about pain to know it is normal to happen when there is a lot of endorphins going on. I was probably falling into subspace, something that I also rarely allow myself to go into.
My Top was okay with me crying and so was I, I think I liked it even, so we carried on. Well, when the crying was turning a bit hysterical and I felt subspace crawling up my spine I realized I never pushed crying so far, and never been in this emotional state with any partner at all. I realized that though I have been casual friends since last September with my Top I did not really know him– so I stopped the scene.
I stopped the scene because it was getting too intimate. I did not want intimate. I just wanted play.
This entire attitude completely contradicts my previous experience with kink. In my M/s relationship the goal was to completely eradicate all barriers and allow him to be as intimate with me as possible. The relationship was about allowing him deeper and deeper in my psyche and manipulating it to produce the kind of slave that he wanted. The relationship was 24/7, it didn’t stop. It was about me fully exposing myself to someone else.
And now that is gone. Now I have pleasure (which includes painful pleasure) but I don’t have intimacy. Now my kink is about endorphin exchange but has no goal outside of the moment it exists. My goal now is to go in, come out, and keep my emotions unscathed.
I’m in a community now that is about fast-paced relations where, to be quite honest, it is quite easy to get some play or even get a fuck. Also, nearly everyone is nonmonogamous so there isn’t really any competition. There is no deeply emotionally seated hunt, it isn’t like you have to flirt with every potential-SO in your Chemistry class, or sit on okcupid for a week, or go bar-hopping all night in order to find a way to get some action.
I been regularly going to parties and events in the scene for ten months now and I haven’t seen a lot of M/s relationships in the scene. I think it is because the M/s dynamics contradict a lot of the casualty of the NYC scene. I think this is because a) the scene is filled with quick paced casual play and b) the normality in the scene is to have enough play partners that a dance card can be or is organized before going to an event– these two things make it extremely difficult for a couple, triad, or some other relationship format to exchange sophisticated attention towards each other, which keeps relationship building slow and often static.
I have enough play partners where if asked I wouldn’t even know how many off the top of my head and would have to spend a bit counting and remembering and possibly forgetting someone. When I just joined this scene this worked for me because what I wanted was causality. I just left a very serious relationship. I didn’t want to spend time with someone who would matter if they left. But the play became flat. And meaningless. And something that my play partner could probably do to someone else and care just as much. And I don’t feel special or significant. And using people for an endorphin rush is a lonely way to spend time. And I want to expose myself fully. And I want someone to nurture my submission. And I want to learn how to be the best slave that I can be. But I can’t do that in the culture of the scene.
So I’m not going to that many play parties, and I’m going to cut down my play partners, and try to spend more time with the ones I have, and learn about them, and expose myself, and do something that I believe to be beyond sadomasochistic endorphin-exchange because with intimacy comes significance.