(Josh Rollins 01: A Lack of Vocabulary)
Our first date was at a STI clinic– it was pretty loud declaration on what our interest and hobbies were yet I still was surprised when he asked me back to his neighborhood after. I’m so naive; where did I think this was going to go, really.
Skip to me scared, on my back, stretched wide, moaning and grinding. But actively keeping my eyes to the side; I didn’t want to make any eye-contact. I was intimidated by what I could be walking into, who is this person, why am I doing this, but at the same time, the fingers buried into my mound were pounding me, turning me on, almost making me forget my anxiety.
His hand still inside me, he readjusts himself, face angled to mine, mouth brushed my cheek down to my lips, I made a move and sucked on his lower lip— why did I do that?
One hand lied on my throat —is this a threat? and the other left my cunt and brushed up my back, scratched my neck. I squirmed into him. He smelt like lavender leaves but also like crisp post-rain air. They make expensive lotions out of his scent. I wanted to sneak another sniff because it relaxed me but I decided against it. Why do I even want to remember what he smells like? What is his purpose is to me, and I to him, will I have one later if I don’t now?
My tongue started to enter into his mouth and I almost got carried away until I started getting some perspective on where I have to be.
I released to mumble “What time is it? It must be time?” It was. Class started in 45, it was time for me to get going. I escaped onto a J train and allowed my brain to squeeze out the anxieties and questions I gathered this morning. I was unsure why I got so scared anyway. He is a good guy, or a good enough guy, I knew his girlfriend and my boyfriend knew him. They both wouldn’t encourage this if he didn’t understand consent. I enjoyed that, and he didn’t push it too far, I was always in control, why do I get so scared, why do I think horrible things are going to happen to me?
I didn’t ask Josh Rollins to help me. I didn’t ask him to own me. I didn’t really ask him anything. It was the following week and we were sitting on his balcony, blowing hookah into each others faces, and he told me that he feels like taking me in. And like a stray, bribed by curiosity, I stayed with him. I have previously trained to be a slave but I never had a training that was about self-improvement before anything else. I liked the idea of being a student and have been wanting to figure out a way to make a relationship out of Teacher/student scenes, and this was an interesting angle to it.
Though he took me in shortly after our first date, he did not touch me. It was actually a month before we touched each other again. There hasn’t even been a peck in the mean time. We have discussed sex but we don’t do it. He told me it was up to me, that he’s horny and ready to go but it was up to me to take the initiative.
It took me a month to figure out how to do that and get the courage to ask him to invite me over for the night. We met outside of Hunter College and popped onto the 6 train and talked about who the fuck knows what but eventually made it to his place.
I entered and undressed— that was the rule he has created for me, to undress as soon as I get into his apartment. Looking back it was impressive that Josh Rollins was able to handle me nakedly walking around his apartment once or twice a week for a month and was able to restrain himself from any sort of initiation.
We went into his room to watch a movie which was soon interrupted by an abrasive phone call from my mother that was overtly suspicious and inquisitive. It ended with her being pretty livid at me which made me visibly upset. I went into his room and plopped on the other side of his bed and tried to brush it off, he held me to comfort me and that’s when I decided to fuck all and suck lip. From lip to neck. From neck to sternum, chest, down his stomach, and then I willingly took his dick into my mouth, the precise act that I was scared he would force onto me was what I was horny over.
Fuck we are both overly kinesthetic— probably because we are so quiet so screaming out what we want is unlikely. But touching each other was quite simple. He pinched my nipples and licked my clit. I sucked his chest and grabbed his shaft.
I felt like I gained a superpower when I learned how to initiate though this is probably just basic sexual competence, nevertheless, Josh Rollins first experiment was a success.