Reasons why I don’t really know what to call my gender:
- I dislike the notion that I like feminine things because I am a girl. Though there probably has been some estrogen influence in my gender I do not think that my vagina excretes a longing for puppies and romcoms.
- I love wearing skirts! Dresses! Tights! I go to a store and don’t even really see the boy section. It isn’t that I dress this way because I’m a girl and I have to wear female clothes but because I truly dislike boy clothes. It is bland and boring and girl clothes are creative, diverse, and exciting.
- This one is kind of complicated but in the kink scene there is a whole culture based on age play. Age play is relationships or scene (scenes are a specific period of kink activity) where the pretended age dynamic is fetishized. In my recent relationship I am a little and my partner is a Big. What that means is that I play the young child complimented by my partner’s role of the adult and parent. That probably seemed random but I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and would say that my age fluidity is a part of my gender construction and why I reject being called femme. When I think of femme I think of proudly worn and plump rouge lips, bold black eyelashes, pumps on pedicured feet or in a designer purse, smooth nails, on a women that is on their way to a bikini waxing. I am a little-girl way more often then I am femme. I express my femininity by coloring pictures of cute animals, dressing up as a princess, and picking pink before all the other colors.
- Probably my first fetish was having a silicone dick which was a realistic way for my high schools self to envision the possibility of getting a real dick, which I really felt I needed. Nowadays I like having a cunt a lottttt but at one point I genuinely didn’t. I guess it was some high school phase for me but I can’t deny that it didn’t exist; it is integrated in my gender’s history.
- Just because I’m feminine does not mean I’m a girl. I have been recently trying to figure out why I am a feminine girl sometimes and a feminine boy at other times. I guess the possibility that sometimes my gender flows into a flamboyant feminine male turns me on and makes me feel excited about my gender– it gives me peace of mind, which is really what most gender definition is about. Other times, I feel my gender flowing into an innocent girl child, and most recently I have been exploring being a dominant and seductive by reenacting the confident dark femme-fetale, which has been really exciting for me. And other times I flow to a person who’s gender doesn’t really have anything to say about their personality at all.
- Also, I find that how feminine I am really depends on who I compare myself to and what kind of definition of feminine I am using. To expand, when I’m in the androgynous queer kink scene I feel REALLY cisgendered. Like ‘oh why don’t I think I’m cis, I’m so normative compared to everyone’. But when I’m with my family, which has a more traditional housewife idea of feminine, I feel really masculine and really groundbreaking for going to college and preparing a lifestyle independent from the possibility of having a long-term partner (/“husband”). So my gender tends to be constructed on a compare/contrast basis.
I am working through my gender’s quirks and build so there is still some exploration going on. I wouldn’t say that I have fully figured out my gender but these points are the body of it so far. On the other hand, I like female pronouns. I don’t really get insulted when people call me cis. I’m not really sure that I’m not cis. I know that calling myself trans can be a bit of a stretch. I’m kind of confused in the cisgendered/transgendered binary– cisgendered being someone who agrees with the gender that was assigned to them at birth and transgendered being someone who does not . I wouldn’t say that I disagree with being a women but I do disagree with the idea that my gender complexity ends with me being a women. I also disagree with the notion that because I am a woman most of the time I cannot have my own gender history, fluidity, and individual fingerprint.